To Do or Not to Do...(a little girl's search for her father)

So, here it is a blazing summer day in the A, and my thoughts are vacillating between rebooting this search for my father or to just leave it be. Something triggers me every year. If I'm honest, something triggers me every other day, but they are not as pressing as when they hit annually. In 31 years, I've never known him, and I've led a wonderful, fruitful life, so another 31 without him in it won't hurt, right?! Who's to say?
Last week, my trigger came from watching a reality show about basketball wives (yes, I'm almost ashamed to say), and one of the women wanted a relationship with her biological father. She began to cry from the pain of not having him there and before I knew it, I found myself wiping my own tears (and if you know me, you know I HATE being vulnerable).  You see the answer to my aforementioned question is that yes, it can and it will hurt to go the rest of my life without him being there. There are so many unanswered questions that I have. Questions that no one would be able to answer except him. I've developed idiosyncracies, trust issues, abandonment issues and a host of other issues that I'm convinced were derived from his absence.
I've been on this road before. This search that is, and it is indeed an emotionally arduous task. This journey takes me from high to low, from hope to despair and every point in between. One moment, I feel like I'm fine without him, but the next moment, I feel like I'm dying to know where did I get my eyes from? Am I his complexion? What about this stubborn attitude...did that come from him? What about medical history? Is there something about it I should know before I bring my own children into this world? More importantly, how in the hell could you create a life, and not want to be a part of it? I think I'm a pretty good person, at least I always try to be. One would be inclined to say that "you're" really missing out.
At any rate, once I got past this line of questioning with myself for the 50-11th time, my friend calls me and tells me that some of her father's people found her on facebook. She sounded so happy and her plan is to go meet them. This new turn of events in her life put me right back at square one. I wanted to feel what she was feeling. I wanted to discover where I came from all over again.
Why has it become so commonplace that men are absent? I'm not implying that some men don't want to be there because I realize that some do. Little girls as well as little boys need their fathers. Maybe if I had a father around to nurture me, I wouldn't have to go SO hard that I come off as dominant, not independent. I've known some of the most nurturing men to relinquish their God-assigned throne to me because I've given off some vibe that I can take care of myself and that I don't need them. Yes, my lips mouth, I support you, I support you, but my presence exudes "I don't need you." I don't even know how I became such a walking juxtaposition. Maybe if "you" were here, I'd learn how to trust. Yes, I may say I trust both men and women alike, but in the back of mind, I'm always waiting for someone to betray/hurt and/or neglect me. When and if it happens, I'm only mildly devastated because I was waiting for it all along. Perhaps if "you" were here, I wouldn't have made so many left turns when I was supposed to turn right.
Perhaps, if "you" were in my life, many things would be different but as it turns out, I didn't turn out to be a jezebel looking for a father-figure and filling the void with a man's tempory affections, or a welfare recipient with 10 kids, or even a man-eater. I'm a very well-versed, well-rounded, educated multi-faceted woman. However, when it comes to finding "you", I'm still just a little girl lost. Maybe, just maybe... I can be found...maybe I can find you with this new little development that has been produced that is your phone number. When I'm ready, I will call. It's never too late...and I, myself am very curious to see where this journey will lead. I'll be sure to let you know as well.