Thanks for Giving

I'm not sure where the time went, but I looked up and all of a sudden a year has gone by. We are now in the thick of the holiday season! As Thanksgiving quickly approaches, people will head out to the grocery stores in droves to make sure they will have all that is needed for their gluttonous holiday feasts!
Though this is my "most wonderful time of year," it is also a time that makes me more concerned and sorrowful for those less fortunate. It breaks my heart anyway to see someone homeless, but it's especially grueling to know that while most people are eating and fellowshiping with our families, these people are left to fend for food any way they can without anyone to care for them. Because of this, I do whatever it is that I can to make a difference, albeit small, but a difference nonetheless. For the next week, I'll be preparing sandwiches and distributing blankets taking them to the areas downtown that are heavily populated with the homeless. For now, this is all I can do...but I can't wait for the day when I blow up, so that I can help on a larger scale, creating a "starting over" shelter.

Some of you may be going through a tough time this holiday season. You could've lost a job, a spouse, a friend, family member or just even some motivation. But if your eyes are grazing over these words, then I guarantee you that you haven't hot rock bottom, and that you STILL have something to be grateful and thankful for. It could be worse. Think about those who are even less fortunate than you are...and give thanks for having the chance to move forward. This season, I want to honor my Creator in the best way I can. I want to demonstrate my gratitude to Him for giving me life, health, strength and blessing me abundantly, instead of just saying so. So, since "a generous man will himself be blessed, for he shares his food with the poor," per Proverbs 22:9,  I'm going to go forth and get my blessing, starting today.

Three's a Crowd...or is it?

Due to recent events that have taken place, I am left to re-visit this age-old question, to which there is no correct answer. Is it ok for people to have best friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship?And if we wanna dig even deeper, is it ok for a person in a relationship to have a close friend who once used to be a partner?
I have mixed feelings about this answer that I can't even explain myself. Perhaps, it is because I've been on both ends of the spectrum. I've had best friends of the male species for most of my life. Of which, there has never been ANY romantic interest. And I've had their significant others to become uncomfortable with our bond. I get it. No one wants to feel like there is a person of the opposite sex that is closer to their partner than they are. It can sort of feel like an imposition by the 3rd party. But do we call that insecurity, or fighting temptation?! Ultimately, if someone wants to cheat, they will. Regardless of whereabouts, check-ins, compromise or what have you. But at the same time, I have also known people who have been extremely close to me tell me that they don't see me as a "sister-like" figure anymore. So, by having that friend...are we just flirting with temptation? Entertaining enticement, or arousing "what could be// and or what used to be?"

One of my best friends in the whole wide world was a guy. He had been my friend since I was 9 years old, and could tell me more about myself than any other person...including me sometimes. But by the time I was in college, we did become romantically involved. Granted, it wasn't for a long time, but we had to see if our love for one another surpassed that of friendship. It sort of did, but it was one of those "I know WAY too much about you to want to be with you" kind of things. At least on my end, but I did love him unconditionally. After our little period, I had no desire whatsoever to be with him, again, I knew too much about him, and we (though I hate sounding so incestuous by saying it) found that we were more like brother and sister. In any case, in our adulthood, both of us were to become someone else's spouse. And his, did NOT approve of our friendship. Though it hurt me dearly because he had been such an integral part of my life, I humbly respected her wishes. She wasn't looking at it like, "oh, that's been his bff since they were knee-high to a duck." She's saw me as someone that he'd been with. And even though he meant nothing to me in a romantic way, it was as simple as keeping his family together. And just like that, an almost 20 yr. friendship was over. I was devastated not to be able to see him exchange nuptials. I can't blame her, though. When I'd gotten married, my (at the time) husband wanted to invite his ex to the wedding. And I'm like "why?" It may be a little awkward to have her sitting there thinking of all the things they used to do while he was at that point doing those things with me. So, given these observations and experiences...what do you think? Is three a crowd or are you comfortable with it?

Realizing your Self-Worth

For whatever reason, I have always been the relationship expert (or at least that's what it seems when it comes to relationships other than my own)! But seriously, I am the person who many come to since I am seemingly ALWAYS in a relationship. I've even been called a serial monagamer. At any rate, I do feel like relationships are not that hard...wait, don't get me wrong, they are PLENTY hard work, but I don't think that they are they hard to decipher. For one, I think that there are far too many "one-sided" relationships. You know what this is...she's in a relationship with him but he's not in one with her, and vice-versa. I believe that all of this would be eradicated if people just knew their self-worth.
All too often, I will come across a young lady who yearns for the attention of a particular guy. He doesn't want to give her the REAL attention she craves (which is that of a relationship), so she settles for the temporary attention and time he is willing to spend with her (which usually only involves bedding her and calling when he has nothing or no one else to do). This is so sad to me, and for the life of me they can't figure out why. It is because you don't respect yourself enough to tell him that you will not be his booty call. It is because you allow yourself to be his option when you've made him your priority. It is because you allow him to come over after he's left the club at 4 am every time and you guys haven't even been out on a real date, yet he can identify every picture on the wall of your bedroom. It is because you'd rather have him for those 3 hours that he wants to hit you up, and you are afraid to tell him no. Well, baby, I have news for you. If someone likes you, they will work for you. You can tell them no, and they will try to find a time that best accommodates you both. When someone likes you, they will go above and beyond to make you feel good...not dirty or used. When someone likes you, their actions speak far louder than their words. It's really not that hard to figure out. YOU just have to figure out how much you love yourself...will you allow yourself to be used?! Stand tall and shake it off if he doesn't want to call you in daylight hours, forget her if she doesn't like you because you're "too nice", tell him to drop dead if he only wants to come see you after "she's" denied him. It is all okay...because they are NOT the person for you anyway. And if you only loved yourself and knew your worth, you will actually be offended (not hurt) at the audacity of these people!
Now...that was all about pseudo-relationships, but I have a word about the people who are engaged in committed relationships as well. I need for you to ask yourself a question. Does he/she treat me like I need to be and/or deserve to be treated? Am I doing this all alone, does my significant other re-fuel me or energize me?! If you have asked these questions, and you came up with resounding "No's," then some re-evaluation definitely needs to take place. How can you and your partner create happiness if you are the constant driver, and never in the passenger seat? Relationships are up and down. They may be 50-50, 90-10, 60-40, etc at times...but what is the relationship doing for you? If you have taken issues that you have to your partner, but to no avail, then it may be time to walk out that door.

It's a beautiful affair when your partner can recognize the beauty in you, that even you can't see. When they motivate you to grasp your full potential. That partner is a rare find and definitely a gem. How much does your significant other cherish you? You are a King's kid, ya know? Your partner needs to breathe life into you, motivate you, inspire you, be your friend, be your backbone, not reproach you. If you're not getting these things, and it's been discussed and YOU stay...will you fault your partner for inflicting pain or will you fault yourself? The choice is yours. When people show you who they are...believe them. And when you love yourself and know your worth, you will accept nothing less than what you know you deserve and are entitled to. After all, "the minute we settle for less than we deserve, we get even less than what we settle for." So, remember...you are a king...and you ma'am, are a queen. Govern yourselves accordingly.

Reckless Abandon: a letter to my King

I'm tired. I'm irritable. I'm vulnerable. I want you. I need you to want me back. You have crossed the threshold into my heart. I want you to want me down to my core. I don't want to return to when I was crippled by fear to move forward. I don't want to worry about you generalizing me. I want to feel your love. Yes, I'm imperfect. Love me anyway. Don't just love me anyway, love ON me anyway. Hold me until you smother away my fears. Or caress me until I can at least no longer acknowledge them. Hold me until my whimpers become null and void. Kiss me. Tell me sweet nothings in my ear. But don't speak it from your mouth. Allow it to come from your heart. Jump-start my heart again by having your very own to massage mine. Just love me. It doesn't matter who tries to talk you. It doesn't matter who tries to talk to me. It is just us. And we are all that matter. Yesterday, today and tomorrow. I don't care what anyone else thinks, just love me. When you love me, I am at my best. I am strong. Because your love makes me resilient. Love me, so that MY love speaks volumes. Love me so I can shower you with all the love in me. Love me so that I am free to love you into oblivion. Love me so I can love your worries away. Because your love makes me resilient. And it comes back 360. I cannot help but to pour into you the love that you pour into me and flip it like a "nickel and dimer" to the point where it's overflowing. That's 360. What goes around comes around. Let me love you. I want to touch you so that this transfer of love takes place and and my love has permeated through you to the point where your body is merely the host to this seemingly parasitic love of mine that has no intention to leave your body. It is now a home for my love. You are a home for me. And without you, my love is homeless. And I, merely a nomad...

To Do or Not to Do...(a little girl's search for her father)

So, here it is a blazing summer day in the A, and my thoughts are vacillating between rebooting this search for my father or to just leave it be. Something triggers me every year. If I'm honest, something triggers me every other day, but they are not as pressing as when they hit annually. In 31 years, I've never known him, and I've led a wonderful, fruitful life, so another 31 without him in it won't hurt, right?! Who's to say?
Last week, my trigger came from watching a reality show about basketball wives (yes, I'm almost ashamed to say), and one of the women wanted a relationship with her biological father. She began to cry from the pain of not having him there and before I knew it, I found myself wiping my own tears (and if you know me, you know I HATE being vulnerable).  You see the answer to my aforementioned question is that yes, it can and it will hurt to go the rest of my life without him being there. There are so many unanswered questions that I have. Questions that no one would be able to answer except him. I've developed idiosyncracies, trust issues, abandonment issues and a host of other issues that I'm convinced were derived from his absence.
I've been on this road before. This search that is, and it is indeed an emotionally arduous task. This journey takes me from high to low, from hope to despair and every point in between. One moment, I feel like I'm fine without him, but the next moment, I feel like I'm dying to know where did I get my eyes from? Am I his complexion? What about this stubborn attitude...did that come from him? What about medical history? Is there something about it I should know before I bring my own children into this world? More importantly, how in the hell could you create a life, and not want to be a part of it? I think I'm a pretty good person, at least I always try to be. One would be inclined to say that "you're" really missing out.
At any rate, once I got past this line of questioning with myself for the 50-11th time, my friend calls me and tells me that some of her father's people found her on facebook. She sounded so happy and her plan is to go meet them. This new turn of events in her life put me right back at square one. I wanted to feel what she was feeling. I wanted to discover where I came from all over again.
Why has it become so commonplace that men are absent? I'm not implying that some men don't want to be there because I realize that some do. Little girls as well as little boys need their fathers. Maybe if I had a father around to nurture me, I wouldn't have to go SO hard that I come off as dominant, not independent. I've known some of the most nurturing men to relinquish their God-assigned throne to me because I've given off some vibe that I can take care of myself and that I don't need them. Yes, my lips mouth, I support you, I support you, but my presence exudes "I don't need you." I don't even know how I became such a walking juxtaposition. Maybe if "you" were here, I'd learn how to trust. Yes, I may say I trust both men and women alike, but in the back of mind, I'm always waiting for someone to betray/hurt and/or neglect me. When and if it happens, I'm only mildly devastated because I was waiting for it all along. Perhaps if "you" were here, I wouldn't have made so many left turns when I was supposed to turn right.
Perhaps, if "you" were in my life, many things would be different but as it turns out, I didn't turn out to be a jezebel looking for a father-figure and filling the void with a man's tempory affections, or a welfare recipient with 10 kids, or even a man-eater. I'm a very well-versed, well-rounded, educated multi-faceted woman. However, when it comes to finding "you", I'm still just a little girl lost. Maybe, just maybe... I can be found...maybe I can find you with this new little development that has been produced that is your phone number. When I'm ready, I will call. It's never too late...and I, myself am very curious to see where this journey will lead. I'll be sure to let you know as well.

Fun, Foolywang and Failure

So, this past weekend I FINALLY made it to the crescent city of New Orleans! I was completely stoked as I'd not been there before and it's been on my short-term bucket list. But this weekend, my friends and I took that 6.5 hour trek for the Essence Music Festival.

We had a rolling ball, and here at my desk on Tuesday morning, I'm paying for it! I am not sure if the city didn't sleep simply because it was the Essence Music Festival Weekend, or if that's just how the place got down. Either way, I barely winked the entire time that I was there. The city has this shop called 'Daiquris' and they serve drinks ALL of the time. I mean they have these places in the malls, and you can even DRIVE-THRU and get one! And the business is a franchise so they're pretty much on every other corner. I'm not a drinker, but even I was impressed! We people-watched and partied until I felt like I was sleep-walking and I learned some of their lovable lingo...and let me just tell you, their linguistics sound like NO other place on Earth! It's not just for television! And Bourbon St, I'm convinced is Babylon. I saw so much tomfoolery and debauchery that I never have to watch t.v EVER again!

I found that this place is an enigma to me, and I'm sure it would've been the same pre-Katrina.  The city's tourist areas looked just as I imagined...vibrant, full of life, gaudy, gorgeous, and armed with old money. The French quarter and it's view of the Mississippi River was absolutely breathtaking, and I enjoyed every minute of the view, even with the devil breathing down my neck (I'm sure it was hotter than hell). Once we finished with all things touristy, I felt we'd be remiss not to visit the lower 9th ward. You see, I love to have fun, but I also like to be checked in reality. And boy, was I!! I saw so many homes that still were abandoned, boarded up, spray-painted with hazard numbers and just plain ole debris. As fun as my weekend was, these are the sights that wiped the smiles clean off my face. I just didn't understand how I could go across a bridge and witness SO much devastation and dilapidation when the "other parts" of the city were still thriving like nothing has ever happened. I completely understand that in order for the city to continue to generate revenue, they have maintain the "ritz" of the tourists' areas, however I don't understand how people can be in your own backyard, literally and be so impoverished. I became livid, overwhelmingly sad and motivated all at the same time. We REALLY failed with Katrina, and I mean epically so. It's a shame that even 6 years later, conditions like the aforementioned in the city still exist. I don't know if people come to the place and just don't care to see the devastation or just don't care about the fact that it exists altogether. Either way, after having a blast while I was there for the festival, I came back home with a different inspiration to do my part in aiding impoverished cities and at-risk youth. It's one thing to see things from afar (it seems like everyone has forgotten), it's something altogether different to travel the same path. And you can mark my words, as sure as my name is Anneka, you can bet that I will do what I can to help with such a catastrophe. I encourage and even challenge you to do the same.

My Mind's Journey...

The particular excursion at hand is the one of my mind. I'll tell you, that thing (my mind, that is) is in a class all by itself. My hyper-active analysis of life causes me to run myself in circles sometimes like a dog chasing its' tail. Do you happen to know anyone who just thinks ALL of the time, even in their sleep?! Well, that's me. And most often, it's great that I'm such a thinker, but they're other times where I just need for the wheels to STOP turning. I often times feel like I'm interfering with what God's will may be sometimes because I'M TOO busy trying to figure out if I'm in His will. I know it is when we are at our weakest when He does the most work. I also  know that I need to get out of my own way! It's hard to do because as faithful as I am, I don't even realize when I am taking back the reins that I've relinquished (though I find that is the case with most people). This is just one example of the many dichotomies I embody. I am a conundrum, even to myself...
Most people view me as a pillar of strength, when in actuality, my strength is my weakness. My taste in music sometimes oozes "bible-busting Christian" and other times unearth a gangsta-rapper who missed her calling. Someone, who amongst peers may utter the most IGNIT of phrases, but will turn around and write a proposal to Capitol Hill. Someone who if looked at wrong is liable to curse you and your grandmother out (not really, but maybe), and will turn around and give them the shirt off her back if they needed it. Someone who takes care of and encourages everyone else and (obstensibly) doesn't need anyone to take care of her, but behind closed doors relishes the love and devotion she receives from her dog. I've been called a pecan twist...symbolic of all of the hard layers, but has that soft, gooey filling in the middle. I don't know, go figure. Blame it on my polar environments. As a child, I grew up in Detroit and in Flint, MI...then as a pre-teen was uprooted to a place called High Point, NC...Can you say culture shock and confusion?! I guess this is due in large part to the makings of little ole' complex me and started me out on my grand excursion. Let's see where I (and my thoughts) go next...