Seasons Change...Mad Things Rearrange

Ahh, the brustling leaves, the color change in the leaves, the wind blowing across my face, the fact that I can sleep with my windows open versus my a/c being on, the day light hours shortening, the perfect night breeze...all of these being indicative (well, in addition to the calendar) that the season has changed from summer to fall...which happens to be my favorite time of year (it used to be winter, but winters in the south are just nasty, not beautiful like back home). As I reflect on all of the things that have happened within this last year (or I could even go so far as to say last 10 years), I recognize how the seasons changing cover so much more than the weather!
When I was a teenager, I used to believe that by the time I was 25, I'd be married with 2.5 kids and a dog. Now, at one point, I was married and I STILL have a dog, but I have yet to have any children. I honestly can't see me right now with any. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the wee-ones! I just feel like a big kid myself, and it's funny...I used to think 25 was old!! Now, I know when the time comes, I'll be the best parent I possibly can, but since I have a choice in the matter, I'll wait for 1...I'd like for my child not to be a bastard 2. I want to dedicate more time to catapulting my career. So the season for me having immediate baby fever is over.

I've also been reflecting on some relationships I've had...and by relationships, I don't mean romantic ones, just relationships in general. There have been some people who I've come across and at the time, you couldn't tell me that they were seasonal. People who I thought were going to be permanent fixtures in my life...it's amazing how with the changing of a season, people who you knew would be around forever are ushered out to make way for the season that's approaching (for whatever reason). The ironic thing is that for each one of the people whom I thought were fixtures who are gone, there have been some to come back into my life whom I NEVER thought I'd have a relationship with again. I guess there really is nothing new under the sun. Everything by design...Things that I thought were...were not. And things that I thought were not...actually were...or at least for the time being. Who knows, this revolving door of seasons is something I can't even wrap my mind around. I just know that I enjoy them all. Winter, spring, summer and fall. I enjoy what I can out of them and anxiously anticipate what the new ones will bring. If I've learned anything within these 32 years, it's that the only constant in life is change. I never would've thought I'd be where I am at this point in my life and it's not a bad place at all, just not where I expected to be. So to quote one of my favorite rap groups of all time, The Fugees, it is very true that "seasons change, mad things re-arrange." Enjoy your season!

My Happy

Stumped. Perplexed. In a state of sheer bewilderment. How could such a simple question have an answer that eludes me so...most people should be able to answer this without thinking. The answer should actually be what one is living for. The question..."What makes you happy?" There I was, minding my own business, when the question was posed to me..."Anneka, what makes you happy?" Well...I thought...well...I started to answer the question several times before I really concluded that I had no idea! I mean I've always been a rather content person. Sure, I'm human, so I have moments of unhappiness, frustration and even anger, but for the most part, those emotions are fleeting and I grab my joy back. So I thought...acting makes me happy. It does, but that makes me happy with my occupation. A great relationship! Yes! Well, no...A man doesn't make me happy (yes, he can make me happy in a relationship generally, but no one person can lend anyone happiness if they don't innately have it on their own).  Being around family makes me happy...yes, but only for the moment. It reminds me that I have a home when I'm with my fam, but even then that doesn't make a happy life. Traveling! Ah, that HAS to be it...well, sure, traveling makes me happy too, but only for the time that I'm doing it. I come off of my high when the trip's over. I thought over everything that I enjoy doing and I realized that everything that I thought makes me happy only gives me what I desire...AT that moment...not necessarily a lasting happiness. So after a long, arduous delve inside myself, I came to the conclusion that I am happiest when all is well with the world. Meaning? I haven't had time to think about what makes me deliberately happy because I've been so consumed with making everyone else happy and my surroundings comfortable...this isn't a complaint. I get utter joy and a high out of helping people. It is then when I feel like the breaths that I take are purposeful ones. Sure, I love acting, I love a good relationship. I love being around my family and friends and I LOVE to travel, so maybe when all of these things align at the same time, I will be on Cloud 9, right?! But what are the odds of that?!

I've decided to be happy no matter what. I've been down. I've been out. I've been single, I've been broke, I've been lonely. I've been without acting gigs, and there have been times I haven't been able to travel. Somehow, I've managed to remain happy...because I've decided to. And I know that every day I'm here, I try to do some good in the world or at least in someone's life...that's what keeps me going. Moreover, that's the stuff that my happiness is made of. Being the best me that I possibly can be! So people, recognize what makes you happy. You have to KNOW it before you can obtain it...and when you are/think/behave in a certain way, you inadvertently exude and attract more of the same (per the laws of attraction). Go get your happy. I'm gonna hold on to mine!

What I COULD do...

The past couple of weeks of my life have been a true reflection of Murphy's Law. I promise I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong...has. I've been the busiest ever. I've had a melt-down at work, quit my job, retracted the resignation, lost a car (blown head-gasket), bummed a ride out of town for my mom's party, been studying 3 different scripts, then one of the projects I was studying the heaviest for got canceled. In the midst of everything going on, I forgot to pay my gas bill, so my gas got cut off. It's an additional deposit of $150 PLUS a reconnection fee, PLUS what I owed in the first place. ALL because I try to do well by going green and I don't receive a paper bill. And to add insult to all types of injury...I lost a man as well. He didn't die...he just may very well (or not, who knows) be reconnecting with his wife and reconstructing his family. Sucks, huh? (Please bear in mind that I would NEVER knowingly date someone who is a husband to someone else and that's all I'll say about that).

In any case, I know that this is spiritual warfare. While if something happened at my job, I usually have acting to get lost in, but as I said one production was canceled. While whenever acting is at a low-point, I usually have my friend (the man) for a great pick-me-up. Whenever he was acting nuts (or just lost in his own matters), I could at least drive to the mall for some retail therapy. When I didn't have the money for retail therapy, I could AT LEAST take a hot bath to temporarily escape. For all of this to happen at once is enough to make anyone cave. And my mind is getting tired, so it REALLY wants to give in and have a mental break-down. But as my bestie tells me, the break-down starts in the mind so if I give in, everything else will follow. I keep saying this over and over to myself and I keep praying. So I decided that this won't get the best of me. What I COULD do is sit here and complain. Mope and cry and wallow in my own pity...like I said this is actually enough to make anyone cave. But I won't. God has brought me way to far for me to get stuck here. So what I WILL do is thank God. Thank Him that I still have a home and although it may not be any hot water there right now, I can put some in the microwave. I will thank Him for allowing me to have people caring enough to pick me up and take me to work while I'm without my car. Thank Him for freeing me up to concentrate on the other 2 acting gigs that I'm a part of right now and be the best in them. Thank Him for freeing me up for whomever my king is who has the capacity to pour into me. Thank Him for my cousins who not only helped me get to my mom for her birthday but helped to put the party on...shucks thank Him for the fact that my mom just saw her 60th birthday whenever doctors had given her a death sentence. And most of all, I will thank Him in advance for what's about to happen. I don't know what it is, but I know He must seriously have something up his sleeve. I thank Him for this faith muscle that I feel is being exercised past my known capacity. And I thank you all (whomever you may be) for allowing me to vent. Until next time P.U.S.H- Pray Until Something Happens (and don't stop then)!

My Wish List

I was selected to be a part of a "love & relationships" forum this weekend. Because of this, it has me reflecting on my own relationship, or lack thereof and what I would need in one to feel fulfilled. It has been said that if you have goals or wishes, they are far more likely to be brought to fruition if you write them down. Having said that, I've never been one to chart my ideas of what I want in a man, but I'm thinking now would be a good time to start. With the highest hopes that I don't sound bitter or like a woman scorned, know that I have been in one long-term relationship or another for most of my (adult) life. I've even been married. In all of the relationships, I've never gotten what I wanted/needed: and that's to be taken care of. No, I don't mean monetarily, or even emotionally, what I mean is that I've always wanted to be taken care of figuratively in every aspect (is that too much to ask?!). I have probably never voiced that to the masses. I'm so independent that I've been afraid that I would come across as being incapable of taking care of myself. Which trust me, I do a damn good job of taking care of myself and others too for that matter. I think that's how I always end up feeling like no one is taking care of me. I want that security....I want to to know if I fall that there will be someone to catch me. If I lose my job, someone will be there to help support me. If I'm sick, there to make me soup. If I'm having an awful day, there to rub my back and comfort me...etc. I want someone to say "I got you baby." Better yet, show me.
With all this said, I guess I should go ahead and get into my list (and this isn't listed in order of importance)
1. A God-fearing man: I want someone to love the Lord so much that he lives for Him. That way, he can truly love me unconditionally. That way he can love the hell out of my life. We can walk...together.
2. A Trust-worthy man: If I can't trust him, I can't be with him point-blank, period.
3. A Man Who is My Friend: I'm so on the fence about this because in my last relationship, I was literally with my best friend. I told him everything. I laughed with him, cried with him, valued his opinion and just "was" with him. When it was over, the lines were blurred. "What part of this is really friendship and what part of this conversation is because I love you?" In any case, I think everyone should experience a love with someone who they are close to outside of just being "in-love" with them.
4. An Attractive Man: Yup, it may sound superficial, but since this is MY list, there's no need to front. I want to be able to look at my man and see the most beautiful person if only to me. I want to wake up to him and get lost in him. And I want him to feel the same about me. For the most part, I haven't had a problem in this area.
5. A Goal-Driven Man: Anyone who knows me knows that I am a pretty determined, goal-oriented person. I make a goal, and I like to reach it. I've had relationships with people who let circumstance or happenstance determine how their situations will play out. I'm not that chick. I keep going. If it's what I want, I will ultimately get it or die trying.
6. An Honest man: I know some may think this is interchangeable with being trustworthy, but that's how much I need someone genuine. Tell me the truth and let me decide things on my own. Don't lie and try to make my mind up for me. I'll give you the same respect.
7. A Thoughtful Man: I'm a rather thoughtful person. Most of the time I think of others before I even think of myself. I would love continued reciprocity. And I don't mean do it for me, because I do it for you. Do it because you want to show me how much you care. I thought I had this once. Random emails and messages throughout the day and occasional cards "just because" but that fizzled out soon like pop-rocks.
8. An ATTENTIVE, AFFECTIONATE man: I'm a very affectionate person. I'm touchy-feely. If I care for you, I will rub all up on you (not even noticing). I don't need anyone up under me 24/7, but I do like a caress or just to rest your hand on my back. Take my foot and rub it. Some type of physical display of you wanting to touch me. And as far as being attentive goes, I work hard to keep myself up. I want my man to notice. This is one (well 2) areas that one of my exes is good for. This was actually the one I fell for and married. It was because of how attentive and affectionate he was that I was like "Ok, I'm in!"
9. A Funny Man: So, I'm a clown. I'm not witty, not clever but I love to laugh and will laugh at virtually anything. I find humor soothing. I've been through too much to take life too seriously. I will laugh at myself. I need for my man to laugh with and perhaps even at me. I've had this a couple of times too. It was refreshing.
10. A Man Who Puts Me First: I may be the only person in the world who hates Beyonce's "Love on Top" song and it may very well be because I've NEVER had that. Granted when I say first, I know that that may mean 2nd, or 3rd or after business, family, or whatever, and I'm ok with that. If you have a job that's demanding, I get it. If you have kids, I get it...but after ALL of that is situated, I need you to make-up to me what you've missed with your prior obligation. Figure out some things so that I don't ALWAYS come last or at least include me in what you possibly can and make me feel like I actually matter. I have obligations too, work and otherwise, but rest assured my man's comfort and peace of mind are going to play a part in how I choose to handle my business. One thing that my prior relationships have taught me is that it's not all about me.
Well, there you have it. It is probably more likely that I get hit by lightning 4 times in the same place than to have a man with all of these qualities find me, but oh well. At least I finally put it out there. It has finally been written. I'm leaving it alone. Though I'm not looking, I'm not losing hope. After all, once you stop looking for your keys, isn't that when you usually find them?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fPgf2meEX1w&ob=av2n

Keeping Your Head in the Game

Hello blogosphere (or to all of the 1 and a half people I have following me)! I know it's been quite some time since I've updated, but I have a tendency to get missing when I experience emotional turmoil. Yes, most people blog, write, doodle or what have you and feel like such expressions are prudent in their catharsis, however I am fully aware of the way I feel and taking those feelings out on paper (or electronically) can only sometimes allow me to feel better. Besides NOBODY wants to witness me complain or gripe (as can be corroborated with facebook). I can get 2 miilion inboxes or "likes" if I'm sending a message that is positive that I know God gave to me, but if for 2 seconds I am human and allow myself to wallow in my anger/ emotional contempt, people will be quick to check me. At least that reiterates that I was put here for "light". At any rate, I digress! The good news is that I am back...and with a message that I cannot take credit for!
As of late, I'd been really convicted of doing just enough to scratch the surface of accomplishing my dream. I hadn't been "grinding" out like I used to...somewhere in the midst of life, I stopped being so demonstrative on my theatrical quest. It's not that I lost my fervor for acting...just for the level that I'm supposed to be acting on. I'd settled into my job and was comfortable traveling, acting, and eating and being merry in the interim. But the good Lord Almighty sent me a "lil sister" if you will, and she is everything that I was 10 years ago. So, I'd been thinking about making a power move...and in thinking of this, the Lord moved my pastor to give this message below on Sunday. I think everyone should live with this in their hearts...so if you will, have a gander!
"Keeping Your Head in the Game"- Nehemiah 4
-You can ALWAYS expect opposition.
1. The Timing of Opposition
-You ever notice that the devil doesn't try to stop you when you are already immobile?!
1. External Opposition vs. 1-3 (The Enemy)
a. tries to Diffuse our Morale
-he takes your passion (worst yet, you give it to him) you get complacent: don't let the devil in hell or ANYONE else rob you of what you were put here to do
b. he does this so he can Diminish Our Momentum
-if you've lost your passion, you will not have energy and will be apathetic in moving forward
c. he does this to Distort Our Motives
-This gift isn't about you...it's about the assignment the Lord gave to you (He can take it away)
d. all of this will ultimately Divert Us From Our Mission
ex. Your mission is never negative, you may go through things that may appear to be negative on your way, but you are never meant to STAY in that place. Some people normalize being broke, or having bad credit or being in an abusive or combative relationship...this was NOT God's plan for us.
2. Internal Opposition vs. 10-12 (also check out Psalm 55:12-14 to corroborate)
-Everyone with your jersey on is NOT playing for the team (whether they know it or not)
a. People on the inside can Promote Our Fatigue
ex. your friends may not be given the same gift as you and will wonder why and how you can go so hard without giving in to fatigue...will encourage you to give it up
b. They can Paralyze Us With Frustration ex. In the "The Purpose Driven Life", Rick Warren makes mention of surfers staying out in the ocean waiting tirelessly on waves to ride. They may come often and they may not, but it's the people watching from the shore who don't know understand why the surfers won't just return to shore. Meanwhile the surfers realize that they cannot create the waves, they can only ride them when they appear and they don't want to miss out on an opportunity for "that" wave to be the one to take them on a magical ride.
c. They try to Predict Our Failure ex. I think this one is self-explanatory...ex. That's too hard, You'll never make it. That's stupid. That's not for everyone.

Well folks...this was the synopsis of my notes from church on Sunday. Given by Pastor Craig Oliver, Sr. I hope that the words speak to you and that you can get something from it. I definitely did! Good Day!!