The Alpha Female

I'm a Gist girl. To most of you reading, that means absolutely nothing, but to those of you who know my family, there's an understanding that what that means is that I'm an innate Alpha Female. I think Alpha Females catch a bad wrap. I think some automatically want to put us in a box as domineering bitches, for lack of a better word. When I looked up the term, one of the definitions that resonated with me was this one... "The Alpha Female is a strong, majestic female. She can often be intimidating to those around her and isn't afraid to ask for what she wants. She's killing it in her career and has a solid group of friends to rely on. There's nothing quite as brilliant as a woman with confidence and ambition." Now, I'm sure this doesn't constitute Webster's definition or many others but I find it befitting. An Alpha Female needs an Alpha Male, one sure of himself. One who rules with a quiet confidence and leads by example. A pseudo- Alpha male who wants to control and is loud, boisterous, flashy or dying to be seen won't work. Alpha females don't respond well to rigidity, however we DO wish to be lead. Most men who don't understand Alpha females get that confused. We want to be loved, cared for, protected and lead. But we won't relinquish our power to just anyone. We have to KNOW that you are the real deal. That you are about your business, no games, knows where you're going and will lead us in the right direction. We are not to be confused with the "I don't need a man" feminist gang. We KNOW that having a team is the ultimate path to winning. The Alpha female wants to be the quintessential teammate to the perfect Alpha male.

I Became Her

I became her. The woman I viewed as weak. I looked at her with disgust and disdain in my eyes. The woman who despite seemingly having it all together, stayed by a man's side. I became her. The woman who began to make excuses for a man who only seemingly cared for himself (at least beneath the surface). I tried to help him when he was down...despite him not making the best decisions to help himself. I became her. The woman who let a man back in time and time again, going against what the universe actually had for her. I became her. There was one difference between she and I though. I KNEW he wasn't in love with me as I wasn't in love with him. He couldn't possibly love any woman because I don't believe he knew what it meant to love himself. And I couldn't possibly love any man whose love felt like nothing more than lip service. So I allowed him to place blame on my anger issues.
At any rate, I fought. I fought for me not to succumb to being HER. Do NOT become THAT woman! I thought I had a handle on it. I always knew the problem was my child. I realized that I would sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of my child. My Sun's father is his favorite person on Earth. I didn't know how to give my child want he wanted...needed, while keeping my own happiness in tact. Despite letting him hear us argue, and a 2 year old becoming a referee, I didn't know how to release his dad from my life, without him mitigating time with his child. So...I fought. I fought against the horrible echoes of his lies. I fought against other women harassing me. I fought against him taking from me despite what I'd given.
In my fighting, I became pregnant again. With guilt weighing heavily on my conscience, I couldn't bear ridding myself of the baby. Especially with my health issues. So I fought some more. I was losing. Lost. Now, I will have 2 little boys who I KNOW need their father's presence. I grew up without a father, Lord knows I don't want my boys to. Black boys need their dads, not to mention at this point, I physically need the help. So, what do I do? I fight. I fight some more. Against the arguing. Against the lack of love. Against the name-calling...then it dawned on me...I can't keep fighting against my own happiness. I can't be HER. As much as the children need their fathers, they need ME. And they need me to be fully-functioning. To not be depressed. They need for me to choose happiness so that they follow suit when they're older. It dawned on me to make it up in my mind to be happy and make schedules for them and their dad, and not to allow someone, even their daddy to stay in my life when he's undeserving. My children deserve everything in this world and I want to give it to them. But I've made up in my mind doing it alone is better than sacrificing my happiness to impart to my children that dysfunction and lies are the only way to make it together. I may be exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally and financially...but I have to let the universe have it's way and not keep going against what ultimately is for me. I have to let the hovering cloud burst and rain on me. It is after that, that I know the sunshine will come peeking through. I am becoming...who I used to be. Children adjust. And though they need both parents, they truly need the primary custodial parent to be...well, happy. And everything will work out just fine.

A Letter to the Sidepieces of the World

There are songs about you. Some of you wear this title like a bejeweled crown. Some of you know you're not the "main" but don't consider yourself to actually be a side-piece...In any case, gather 'round...I'd like a word with you. How many times are you going to kid yourself? Aren't you tired of seeing woman after woman come and go while you're kept on the sidelines? Aren't you tired of trying to prove your "loyalty" when he hasn't been "loyal" to you?! Stop fooling yourself! No matter how loyal you've proven yourself to be, he thinks you're an idiot..and you look like one. You pride yourself on being the one he'll always come back to...who was there through it all. And trust, he always WILL come back to you, but it's not because he loves you...it's because he can. He knows that regardless of who he parades around and how he keeps you at bay and a secret, you'll never break free of his chains. Though he appreciates having this and having you at his disposal, he doesn't respect it.
What type of example are you setting for your daughters?! To run behind a man regardless of how he treats you, as long as he shoots you some lies to hang on to you... What are you exhibiting to your sons? That they can treat women any kind of way as if we're dispensable?...Queen, check your self-esteem gauge...why do you feel like you deserve this? Do you not love yourself enough to want better? The truth of the matter is men will always go after a woman who loves herself enough to demand respect...not just by saying so either. He draws from that strength and feels like if she's strong enough to turn her back on his disrespect, then she's strong enough to make him look within himself to dig deeper...not just accept the BS he's putting out in the universe. Queen, I say this in love... Get yourself together. Let a man who will adorn you with the crown of being his queen make your acquaintance...as long as you're chasing behind the ones who label you their "side-pieces" or "bottom-B's," it will never happen. You may do whatever you can to deter the woman who's heart he's actually after, but to no avail. If it's not that particular one, there will be another. Because, trust me, men can easily acquire women like you...but they're always searching for queens like me. And lastly, ask yourself this question...if you've seen what he's put the "main" through (not to mention how he's handled you), WHY on earth would you want her place?! Know your worth. Stand on it.

Join the Fight

Asbestos is a set of six naturally occuring silicate minerals used commercially for their physical properties. The prolonged inhalation of asbestos can cause serious illnesses including malignant lung cancer and mesothelioma. All of this and asbestos is still not banned in the US.

Heather Von St. James is a mesothelioma survivor who was given 3.5 months to live. Heather has actually beat this disease and has now been living for 7 years AFTER she was diagnosed. She has brought to my attention what causes this disease and I now want to help create awareness. September 26 is Mesothelioma Awareness Day. We are trying to reach at least 7200 media outlets/voices/ blogs, etc. in spreading awareness. Please visit http://www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness/ to learn more about Heather's story as well as this deadly disease. You never know who it could strike next. All it takes is a click! Thank you in advance for your support!

Dear Black Suns,

I've tried to hold it in. I've tried to sit on it and act like it doesn't bother me. But the fact of the matter is that as polarizing as these feelings are, I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant and I'm due any day now to bring a boy into this world... a black boy. A boy that regardless of how he's raised and what we teach him, will be viewed by some as menacing and a threat and I am mortified...I can teach him "proper" English. I can teach him to mind his manners and to respect authority. I can teach him to dress "respectfully." I can give him everything in the world that I know will aid in him becoming an upstanding citizen...but yet and still, before he opens his mouth and reveals that he isn't a "threat," someone will see him as such because his skin will be brown.
 Some people have jumped on this Zimmerman/Martin-state case and have milked it for all the propaganda they could possibly squeeze from its' udders...which is disgusting in and of itself. For me, it was always about the value of black life in America...especially for black men. We can sit back and debate until our faces turn blue on whether this was a racially-charged case or not but the proof is in the pudding. The use of racial epithets on the phone with the dispatcher should kill that notion before it is even a question.
Other people are mad because of the uproar with this trial and no one seemed to voice any grievances over the genocide in Chicago. To me, one doesn't have anything to do with other. WE, people of color should be rallying for our suns ourselves...men need to get back in the homes, we need to stop perpetuating violence and the belittling and misogyny of women through song. All of these things are up to US. We can't ask someone from a different culture or race to come in and fix what we are doing to ourselves. Yes, it is time to start holding ourselves accountable and responsible for ALL of our suns' lives. They are watching us and more importantly, we should be watching them! With statistics like those in Chicago, what use is there for the Klan?!
Now back to what we seemingly don't have control over...I am a person of the arts. I'm all about creative expression, but do I tell my sun "No" if he comes to me and asks if he can get dreadlocks?! Do I tell him that he has to dress to "fit in" in order to not look like a misfit?! These are only a couple of the plights that I am faced with when raising a black man in this society and it pains me to no end and fills my heart with gut-wrenching anguish!
So when it comes to the "powers that be" what do we do? I can't speak for anyone else but I will only go where I feel like me and mine are welcomed and valued like anyone else. I understand that racism exists everywhere covertly but when you are just out-right overt with yours, whereas I appreciate it so I know, I can't respect it. My hard-earned dollars will not be making an appearance in Florida...or anywhere else where they have no regard for my life. And yes, whereas I understand that this may have been what some would call an "isolated incident," the state of Florida rendered the verdict that a young brown life has no value there (unless of course it's due to sports or entertainment).
I don't want to have to see my sun buried for ANY reason, but I can only pray that he will understand that he can't necessarily do the same things and live the same life as that of his caucasian counterparts and classmates without being viewed some kind of way (and that there may be repercussions). And to all of our black suns whose lives were taken because of some misconception, quickness of the draw, or just for being brown in the wrong place...RIParadise
Trayvon Martin
Oscar Grant
Amadou Diallou
Sean Bell
Aaron Campbell
James Craig Anderson
Victor Steen
James Byrd, Jr.
Steven Eugene Washington
Ramarley Graham, etc, etc, etc...
this list is endless. These are only ten who were killed within the last 15 years. This is not to mention all of the Civil Rights martyrs or those killed senselessly killed on a regular basis who don't make the news. We still value your lives, Suns. And I can only pray to God that my sun, Caidan Adaire Hickson never makes this list or any other that would require me seeing him in a casket...I vow to do my part.

10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy

Since this has been my first (and last, I think) go at biologically having a child, I thought I'd document some rather interesting experiences that I've encountered (and I'm sure every other mommy to be has too).

1. Even when you feel like you look like crap, everyone thinks you are too cute! I think it's the beauty of what you're doing in and of itself. Carrying life inside you is no small feat.

2. You become an instant conversation piece when showing. Whether it's the mall, grocery store, church, etc, people will want to know how far along you are, want to guess what you're having and, possibly even just want to rub your stomach as if you're some sort of genie. Most of the time they mean well, but it may be quite aggravating depending on your mood.

3. When the urge to sleep hits you, there's no winning this battle. Just find somewhere to get as comfy as possible because before you know it, you'll be waking up somewhere (whether planned or not) anyway.

4. You may become irrationally emotional. This could include getting angry with your significant other for no good reason, crying over a scene in a movie that wasn't really touching, getting easily annoyed with any and everyone including yourself, or getting frustrated over your lack of intelligence due to pregnancy brain.

5. After you've reached a certain number of months, you will not be able to...ahem, "preen your flower" if you catch my drift. If you're used to grooming yourself in any type of way, unless you're the "flexible gymnast preggo woman," then you can kiss those days good-bye until after baby arrives. This is what most people won't tell you.

6. Although you're preparing to become the ultimate nurturer, this is a period in your life when you need to be nurtured the most. As weird as it sounds, you need to be loved and doted on so the baby can automatically glean from your joy. The baby senses your moods and going through things alone at this stage is no good! Try your best to be around family and friends as much as possible. Ask your mate to try and understand this.

7. Contrary to what people say, you are NOT eating for 2! People may be inclined to fetch you copious amounts of food, but the truth is you are not eating for 2 adults...you are eating for one and a fetus. You really don't need more than 300 extra calories a day for you and baby to be healthy .Although you may feel ravenous because after the first trimester, your sense of smell enhances as well as the taste of food. Everything is heightened, but be advised, you don't need to gain more than 25-35 pounds during your pregnancy.

8.Speaking of everything being heightened, you may begin to feel like some sort of freak after the first trimester. I mean this in every sense. Outside of your body morphing into something totally different, so are your hormones. Don't be alarmed if you begin to live by the A.D.I.D.A.S creed. If you don't know what that acronym stands for, look it up in the urban dictionary.

9. Some women get horrible leg cramps when sleeping during their last trimester as I have. Man, they could have you getting up in the middle of the night with tears in your eyes. I haven't tried this trick yet, but I've been told to sleep with a bar of Zest soap under your comforter where your legs rest. I don't know how effective it is, but I know a few women (including a nurse) who swear by it. If you have these chronic cramps, it's at least worth a try. I plan to try it!

10. You have to take it as easy as possible. Some women put extra strain on themselves (a la Kim Kardashian) by doing the most when preggers to take away from feeling like a whale. It's ok...you're pregnant. Bask in this period. Enjoy not having to hold your stomach in! Become one with your wee one while it's in utero. Have fun with the morse code that only the two of you share (baby speaking to you with it's kicks). After all, the baby is the ONLY person who's ever felt/heard your heart beat from the inside.

A Change Gon' Come...

This will be by far, the most candid post that you've seen or probably will ever see from me (and probably the longest so brace yourself). Judge if you must, but if it can help one soul in turmoil, then so be it. Now on to the post...

On November 10, 2012, I starred in a stage-play called "When a Good Idea Goes Bad." My character went by the name of Hagar. Perhaps, you've heard of her? She's the servant of Sarah from the book of Genesis in the bible. At any rate, Hagar bears a child for Sarah and her husband, Abraham but is subsequently sent away because the birth of their son causes a great rift between her and Sarah...which is extremely coincidental because after my last relationship, sans the child, I felt like I was played and sent into exile so my ex can live happily ever after with who he started out with but was supposed to be "through with", now you see how my life seems to imitate my art already?! Ok, since you have some backdrop, now back to my story...

If you've followed this blog from at least one year ago, you could probably deduce that I'd been facing plenty strife. Most of it internal, nonetheless after struggling so much with relationships, enmity towards God and even questioning His actual existence, I'd gone completely numb. From the outside looking in, I was the same Neka...kind, wearing a smile, offering my services and advice where needed. But most of my closest friends picked up on a behavior that they'd never seen me exhibit. I started to not put too much energy anywhere, this may sound normal, but I'm a rather passionate person in virtually everything I do. My language began to change, my behavior changed and my conviction changed.

Well during this time, I'd encountered an old friend of mine. I'd known him since high school but our friendship ended then on a VERY sour note. He'd been contacting me via social media and I had no idea why he would. In any case, one final day I decided that I owed it to myself to meet with this particular guy to address the reason we fell out. Upon doing that, I learned that we had extremely different takes on why we fell out (ironically, he didn't even realize why I stopped speaking to him). So after 17 years of holding a terrible offense against him, after reconciling, I slowly began to feel comfortable around him again and it actually felt pretty good having my friend back and hanging out. He'd been nothing but a perfect gentleman to me. We'd go out, have lunch, have dinner, go clubbing, you name it. He took quite an interest in my craft of acting so he was quite the supporter there as well.

So, on the evening on Nov 10, like I said, I starred in a play. It was approximately 50 miles outside of Atlanta. My friend wanted to support me and see me in action so we just decided to get a room. As stated, my friend was a perfect gentleman, but on this particular night, I'd thrown all caution to the wind. I just wanted someone, something to help me to forget about all the pain and strife I'd been experiencing. I wanted an escape. I wanted to get lost. I wanted to be someone else...and not the character that I'd just come off the stage portraying (I was too close to her anyway). Being a good person of character had brought me nothing but grief. So I let myself go...I let it all go and just went with what came naturally. I liken this to when Halle Berry's character was at her wit's end in "Monster's Ball." I know, it may be TMI, but at least you get the picture.

My friend had often made mention of us being "more." I'd always let this slide because A. I was completely jaded and did not want a relationship and B. I remember my friend being quite the ladies' man in high school. There was no reason in me getting caught up in that, buddy. Let's just keep things where they are!

Moving right along. After that night was a distant memory, I'd taken a trip with my friends to Puerto Rico. It was a pretty great trip, but I noticed that the women who I usually synced up with (cycle-wise) got their cycles and I was left looking for mine. Well, due to complications with chronic fibroids and words from my doctors, I most definitely didn't think it was because I was carrying a child. So I let the drinks flow and the fun of the trip ensue. It was when I arrived back in Atlanta that I just couldn't get any peace of mind so I decided for S's and G's to go get a pregnancy test. After taking the test and seeing 2 lines, I thought it was defective, was in denial and just shook it off. After a second gander, I realized that this thing was real. $&^%#$#*(^##(&$#)*@%#&*)$&#%$**^%#@!%$@##^&)_*&)^$@....these are all the expletives the went swirling through my mind. "I can't be pregnant! Doctors thought it was almost impossible! I don't even have a husband much less a boyfriend!! I'M NOT BABY MAMA MATERIAL!!" Well, regardless of the aforementioned thoughts, it was true. Here I was, pregnant. Now, if you can remember, just about 3 or 4 posts ago, I said that I wanted children but no time in the near future. I at least wanted to get some more acting credits under my belt, wait until my heart healed so I could settle down again, and my God, I was supposed to be moving to L.A to pursue my dreams!! When I told my "friend" the news, he seemed to be a-ok with it. I was pretty much freaking out EVERY day. I cried. I struggled. I wanted to get an abortion and HATED myself for being selfish and wanting to get an abortion. I became more depressed. I withdrew...from everyone. Didn't have much to say, didn't have anything to give. I cried more. I let my now "baby's father" know that I couldn't deal and that I was going to get an abortion. He told me fine, but called me selfish, explained to me that things don't always work out the way we planned and told me he'd thought better of me than to possibly ruin what could be my only chance at motherhood. He explained to me that he'd take me to the clinic, but after that we could no longer be friends. Even with him ridiculing me, I thought that I could live with possibly not ever having a child and him not being a friend more than I could deal with the situation at hand. I mean after all, I was the one who was risking my job, postponing my dreams and becoming the dreaded "baby mama." I then called my sissy balling...I was SO tired of fighting, so tired of perservering through strife. I just wanted to take the easy route for once. My sissy begin to cry and plead with me to realize that what seemed like an immense amount of what was making my life stressful would soon be the thing I loved and cherished most. She just asked to just hold on and trust that this was supposed to happen. Well, against my wishes, I listened to her and to my "baby's father."

Here I am, 4 months later (at almost 6 months preggo)...beaming with what I learned was to be my baby boy. I can not say that I don't still sometimes have my doubts, but I can say that I am so happy to not have acted off of emotion and impulse. Those two coupled with despair can be a recipe for regret and disaster. I am proud to have listened to "my friend-turned baby's father" and my sissy. My son has already been a joy just to carry and hear the doctors marvel at his antics. He had to be a warrior to even get this far. If he wasn't meant to be here, he wouldn't have beat those odds the doctors reported in the first place. My baby's father turned out to be the best partner that I could ever ask for. I don't want/need for anything. He's very attentive, has not missed an appointment, intently listens to the doctors, and is on my back making sure his son is in the best environment to be healthy (which includes taking great care of the carrier, his mommy)! I was able to keep my job, and I even still do a little acting while I'm preggo!! I actually had the opportunity to model my baby bump in a fashion show.

So in conclusion, I wrote this entire post to say this...things may look dire. Things may look bleak with no way out. You may feel embarrassed/ ashamed to move forward with something that may have taken place, even if you were the one to blame for it happening. All of these emotions are what the devil uses to keep you immobile. He wants you to feel that way...when you do, you make even worse decisions than what put you in that place to begin with. Know that you are forgiven. Learn how to forgive yourself. It took me some time, but I finally got around to it. And because I was patient (well semi-patient), my life is starting to see fruit...starting with my unborn son, Caidan. Don't you think it's ironic that I conceived a child on the very evening that I got off the stage playing a pregnant woman? A woman who's child was promised to be made a "great nation" from? Well, I think God has a sense of humor...and it's funny how my life has imitated my art in more ways than one. But in this imitation, I finally welcome my change that's a'comin. Remember, things will always be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.