I Became Her

I became her. The woman I viewed as weak. I looked at her with disgust and disdain in my eyes. The woman who despite seemingly having it all together, stayed by a man's side. I became her. The woman who began to make excuses for a man who only seemingly cared for himself (at least beneath the surface). I tried to help him when he was down...despite him not making the best decisions to help himself. I became her. The woman who let a man back in time and time again, going against what the universe actually had for her. I became her. There was one difference between she and I though. I KNEW he wasn't in love with me as I wasn't in love with him. He couldn't possibly love any woman because I don't believe he knew what it meant to love himself. And I couldn't possibly love any man whose love felt like nothing more than lip service. So I allowed him to place blame on my anger issues.
At any rate, I fought. I fought for me not to succumb to being HER. Do NOT become THAT woman! I thought I had a handle on it. I always knew the problem was my child. I realized that I would sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of my child. My Sun's father is his favorite person on Earth. I didn't know how to give my child want he wanted...needed, while keeping my own happiness in tact. Despite letting him hear us argue, and a 2 year old becoming a referee, I didn't know how to release his dad from my life, without him mitigating time with his child. So...I fought. I fought against the horrible echoes of his lies. I fought against other women harassing me. I fought against him taking from me despite what I'd given.
In my fighting, I became pregnant again. With guilt weighing heavily on my conscience, I couldn't bear ridding myself of the baby. Especially with my health issues. So I fought some more. I was losing. Lost. Now, I will have 2 little boys who I KNOW need their father's presence. I grew up without a father, Lord knows I don't want my boys to. Black boys need their dads, not to mention at this point, I physically need the help. So, what do I do? I fight. I fight some more. Against the arguing. Against the lack of love. Against the name-calling...then it dawned on me...I can't keep fighting against my own happiness. I can't be HER. As much as the children need their fathers, they need ME. And they need me to be fully-functioning. To not be depressed. They need for me to choose happiness so that they follow suit when they're older. It dawned on me to make it up in my mind to be happy and make schedules for them and their dad, and not to allow someone, even their daddy to stay in my life when he's undeserving. My children deserve everything in this world and I want to give it to them. But I've made up in my mind doing it alone is better than sacrificing my happiness to impart to my children that dysfunction and lies are the only way to make it together. I may be exhausted...mentally, physically, emotionally and financially...but I have to let the universe have it's way and not keep going against what ultimately is for me. I have to let the hovering cloud burst and rain on me. It is after that, that I know the sunshine will come peeking through. I am becoming...who I used to be. Children adjust. And though they need both parents, they truly need the primary custodial parent to be...well, happy. And everything will work out just fine.