On November 10, 2012, I starred in a stage-play called "When a Good Idea Goes Bad." My character went by the name of Hagar. Perhaps, you've heard of her? She's the servant of Sarah from the book of Genesis in the bible. At any rate, Hagar bears a child for Sarah and her husband, Abraham but is subsequently sent away because the birth of their son causes a great rift between her and Sarah...which is extremely coincidental because after my last relationship, sans the child, I felt like I was played and sent into exile so my ex can live happily ever after with who he started out with but was supposed to be "through with", now you see how my life seems to imitate my art already?! Ok, since you have some backdrop, now back to my story...
If you've followed this blog from at least one year ago, you could probably deduce that I'd been facing plenty strife. Most of it internal, nonetheless after struggling so much with relationships, enmity towards God and even questioning His actual existence, I'd gone completely numb. From the outside looking in, I was the same Neka...kind, wearing a smile, offering my services and advice where needed. But most of my closest friends picked up on a behavior that they'd never seen me exhibit. I started to not put too much energy anywhere, this may sound normal, but I'm a rather passionate person in virtually everything I do. My language began to change, my behavior changed and my conviction changed.
Well during this time, I'd encountered an old friend of mine. I'd known him since high school but our friendship ended then on a VERY sour note. He'd been contacting me via social media and I had no idea why he would. In any case, one final day I decided that I owed it to myself to meet with this particular guy to address the reason we fell out. Upon doing that, I learned that we had extremely different takes on why we fell out (ironically, he didn't even realize why I stopped speaking to him). So after 17 years of holding a terrible offense against him, after reconciling, I slowly began to feel comfortable around him again and it actually felt pretty good having my friend back and hanging out. He'd been nothing but a perfect gentleman to me. We'd go out, have lunch, have dinner, go clubbing, you name it. He took quite an interest in my craft of acting so he was quite the supporter there as well.
So, on the evening on Nov 10, like I said, I starred in a play. It was approximately 50 miles outside of Atlanta. My friend wanted to support me and see me in action so we just decided to get a room. As stated, my friend was a perfect gentleman, but on this particular night, I'd thrown all caution to the wind. I just wanted someone, something to help me to forget about all the pain and strife I'd been experiencing. I wanted an escape. I wanted to get lost. I wanted to be someone else...and not the character that I'd just come off the stage portraying (I was too close to her anyway). Being a good person of character had brought me nothing but grief. So I let myself go...I let it all go and just went with what came naturally. I liken this to when Halle Berry's character was at her wit's end in "Monster's Ball." I know, it may be TMI, but at least you get the picture.
My friend had often made mention of us being "more." I'd always let this slide because A. I was completely jaded and did not want a relationship and B. I remember my friend being quite the ladies' man in high school. There was no reason in me getting caught up in that, buddy. Let's just keep things where they are!
Moving right along. After that night was a distant memory, I'd taken a trip with my friends to Puerto Rico. It was a pretty great trip, but I noticed that the women who I usually synced up with (cycle-wise) got their cycles and I was left looking for mine. Well, due to complications with chronic fibroids and words from my doctors, I most definitely didn't think it was because I was carrying a child. So I let the drinks flow and the fun of the trip ensue. It was when I arrived back in Atlanta that I just couldn't get any peace of mind so I decided for S's and G's to go get a pregnancy test. After taking the test and seeing 2 lines, I thought it was defective, was in denial and just shook it off. After a second gander, I realized that this thing was real. $&^%#$#*(^##(&$#)*@%#&*)$&#%$**^%#@!%$@##^&)_*&)^$@....these are all the expletives the went swirling through my mind. "I can't be pregnant! Doctors thought it was almost impossible! I don't even have a husband much less a boyfriend!! I'M NOT BABY MAMA MATERIAL!!" Well, regardless of the aforementioned thoughts, it was true. Here I was, pregnant. Now, if you can remember, just about 3 or 4 posts ago, I said that I wanted children but no time in the near future. I at least wanted to get some more acting credits under my belt, wait until my heart healed so I could settle down again, and my God, I was supposed to be moving to L.A to pursue my dreams!! When I told my "friend" the news, he seemed to be a-ok with it. I was pretty much freaking out EVERY day. I cried. I struggled. I wanted to get an abortion and HATED myself for being selfish and wanting to get an abortion. I became more depressed. I withdrew...from everyone. Didn't have much to say, didn't have anything to give. I cried more. I let my now "baby's father" know that I couldn't deal and that I was going to get an abortion. He told me fine, but called me selfish, explained to me that things don't always work out the way we planned and told me he'd thought better of me than to possibly ruin what could be my only chance at motherhood. He explained to me that he'd take me to the clinic, but after that we could no longer be friends. Even with him ridiculing me, I thought that I could live with possibly not ever having a child and him not being a friend more than I could deal with the situation at hand. I mean after all, I was the one who was risking my job, postponing my dreams and becoming the dreaded "baby mama." I then called my sissy balling...I was SO tired of fighting, so tired of perservering through strife. I just wanted to take the easy route for once. My sissy begin to cry and plead with me to realize that what seemed like an immense amount of what was making my life stressful would soon be the thing I loved and cherished most. She just asked to just hold on and trust that this was supposed to happen. Well, against my wishes, I listened to her and to my "baby's father."
Here I am, 4 months later (at almost 6 months preggo)...beaming with what I learned was to be my baby boy. I can not say that I don't still sometimes have my doubts, but I can say that I am so happy to not have acted off of emotion and impulse. Those two coupled with despair can be a recipe for regret and disaster. I am proud to have listened to "my friend-turned baby's father" and my sissy. My son has already been a joy just to carry and hear the doctors marvel at his antics. He had to be a warrior to even get this far. If he wasn't meant to be here, he wouldn't have beat those odds the doctors reported in the first place. My baby's father turned out to be the best partner that I could ever ask for. I don't want/need for anything. He's very attentive, has not missed an appointment, intently listens to the doctors, and is on my back making sure his son is in the best environment to be healthy (which includes taking great care of the carrier, his mommy)! I was able to keep my job, and I even still do a little acting while I'm preggo!! I actually had the opportunity to model my baby bump in a fashion show.
So in conclusion, I wrote this entire post to say this...things may look dire. Things may look bleak with no way out. You may feel embarrassed/ ashamed to move forward with something that may have taken place, even if you were the one to blame for it happening. All of these emotions are what the devil uses to keep you immobile. He wants you to feel that way...when you do, you make even worse decisions than what put you in that place to begin with. Know that you are forgiven. Learn how to forgive yourself. It took me some time, but I finally got around to it. And because I was patient (well semi-patient), my life is starting to see fruit...starting with my unborn son, Caidan. Don't you think it's ironic that I conceived a child on the very evening that I got off the stage playing a pregnant woman? A woman who's child was promised to be made a "great nation" from? Well, I think God has a sense of humor...and it's funny how my life has imitated my art in more ways than one. But in this imitation, I finally welcome my change that's a'comin. Remember, things will always be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
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